As a 34-year-old, I know what it’s like to have been 33. My months of experience as a 34-year-old makes me so wise that I can impart my wisdom to 33-year-olds. Now, you can learn from all my mistakes and wisdom. And I’ll add in some GIFs that may or may not have anything to do with the column.
1) Pants. Wear them.
2) It beats being 32!
3) Palindromic numbers are amazing. Love that palindrome.
4) The 33rd best movie in the world on IMDB is The Princess Bride. Amazing, right?*
5) Michael Jordan wanted his number to be 33, but was denied this because he wasn’t tall enough.*
6) It’s the last year you should be eating Froot Loops. Eat them every day.
7) Wow, all those weddings, huh?
8) Aren’t your friends’ babies cute?
9) 32-year-olds can’t dance as well as you.*
10) Dustin Hoffman’s fling with a 33-year-old convinced him to star in The Graduate.*
11) You could probably get more riboflavin.
12) You should see 33 places you hope to see before you die. And then try not to die right after that.
13) Something about your job will remind you of Office Space.
14) Hey, did movie ticket prices go up again?
15) Drink Scotch. Bourbon is for 32-year-olds.
16) A lot of people say Jesus was 33 when he died. Not sure why that matters. But it needs to be in a list about 33-year-olds.
17) You won’t remember anything that happened when you were 31.
18) These lists are really tough. Who has time to make up these things? Oh, right, bloggers.
19) The Cosby Show. Cabbage Patch Kids. Transformers. Back to the Future. Don’t those cultural references from the 80s make you so nostalgic?
20) Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and stuff. There you go. 1990s covered. I also recall a lot of big Will Smith movies.
21) You should probably have a passport by now.
22) Remember all that crazy stuff from college? Great!
24) By the time you’re 34, you will forget how to count.
25) Radiohead wanted to record 33 albums and then call it quits, which is why the original name of the band was Radio33head.*
26) If you feel gipped by there not being a number 23, there will be two number 26es.
26) When you’re 33, you will feel so much better reading a list that you know has 33 things on it. This will speak to you. Be one with the list.
27) How about them cola wars?
28) Speaking of which, do you still remember all the lyrics to We Didn’t Start the fire?
29) Making lists about people of a certain age is a great way to pick up people who are that age. Unless you’re married. Which you might be by 33. But it’s totally cool if you’re not.
30) Almost there. Hey, remember Almost Famous? Great stuff, right? What about that scene on the roof. Amazing!
31) When you’re 66, it’s going to be twice as hard to come up with stuff like this. Oh, and 66-year-olds seem really old now. About as old as a 33-year-old seems to a 22-year-old.
32) No, really, the 20-somethings you work with won’t understand anything that you’re talking about. Sorry.
33) After saying a couple really depressing things, these lists should end with something happy. Yay, GIFs to the rescue.
*Anything with an asterisk denotes something I totally made up.