It might have been a couple of thousand years since you last visited the Olympus Ad Agency. Let’s take a tour. Hephaestus runs the IT department. He doesn’t spend a lot of time up on Olympus. He likes that he doesn’t have to see the staff as much with everyone all remote. It suits him. But he still fumes that he can’t justify blowing all those drachmas on diamond ethernet cables. Dionysus is out at every conference planning the parties, and then the afterparties, and then the after-afterparties. When he wants to go a little more off-site, he calls Artemis, asks her to rustle up some churrascaria. And when Aphrodite is in town, especially with Eros in tow, you can expect a few HR violations. Pan likes to DJ. Ever see 50 maenads file into a White Castle at 3am? God help the fry cook. Dionysus goes out of his way to make sure You-Know-Who, that royal buzzkill, never gets an invite. “Stop tearing the Lyft driver limb from limb, everyone! Athena’s coming!” Artemis during the day is usually working with biz dev. You know her well. She’s a hunter, not a closer. All about SQLs. She has a podcast on growth marketing, and SaaS companies line up to sponsor it. Artemis spent a lot of the pandemic in a cabin in Montana. She’s not really the office type; she was working remotely long before it was trendy. Hermes would often have to track her down to deliver her mail and all the vendor holiday gifts. But that doesn’t mean she won’t look out for her team. A lot of people love her for the generous maternity leave policy she was able to push through HR. When it comes to business, you don’t find her interested in the whole relationship thing. All the nurturing, the sowing, that’s Demeter’s job. She’s always eating grain bowls and found a great bagel place for Friday breakfasts at the office. Poseidon contributes the lox. Demeter comes in handy during a pitch. But no one leads a pitch like Ares. He has some anger management issues. Doesn’t like to lose. If he does lose, it’s usually Zeus’s fault, pitting too many of his own shops against each other. Ares dreams of cutting loose. Opening his own shop. He’d have some trouble with recruitment – he’s not really one of those leaders people worship. Don’t you dare bring up what they say about him on Glassdoor or Fishbowl. But if anyone could rack up a series of wins as an indie firm, it’s Ares. Then he remembers what happened to Prometheus who tried going rogue and teaching the interns a few things. Maybe showing them the best place to light up in the office wasn’t such a good idea. Then there was Atlas. He tried one of those titanic power plays, and of course, Zeus got the upper hand. Atlas was forced to take a job in HR where he spends all his time trying to lift everyone up. Cue constant eyerolls at his all-staff emails. Easy on the smiling globe emoji, Atlas, alright? We get it. Or Tantalus. He made some questionable catering choices. Worse still, in a job seeker’s market, you can’t eat the talent. Now he runs the office bar, but he’s not allowed to sample any of it. Serves him right. Where’s Zeus? Where’s Hera? Good luck getting a hold of them. They’re running the holding company. Or maybe you do know Zeus. He likes putting on disguises as if he’s on Undercover Boss, going over to the water cooler or the occasional remote worker happy hour and impregnating a few employees. It’s so out in the open that he became a verb. “Hear who got Zeused?” someone will say about a colleague, male, female, or non-binary. It’s that bad. Hera isn’t one to file an HR violation. That’s not her style. If you wind up as one of Zeus’s favorites, you think it’s gonna be all the ambrosia you want from the vending machine. Not quite. Your Slack alerts start going nuts and you find out you’re being transferred. Bet you didn’t even know there was a Siberian office, did you? At least you’ll be in good company with the rest of Zeus’s Employee of the Month list. It’s the victim who suffers. Think that’s bad? You could wind up getting sentenced to work for Hades and Persephone down in Procurement. They also oversee Collections, and to give credit where due, Hades made a great choice having the Furies run it. Remember Sisyphus? He kept trying to change terms from net 60 to net 120. It always felt like he was fighting an uphill battle. No one’s tried that on Hades since. Hades was almost moved to tears once in his life, thanks to Orpheus. Quite a polymath, that kid. Such a shame about Eurydice. They first met during one of Orpheus’s brainstorming walks in the woods, and he canceled his Hinge account on the spot, right in front of her. The whole incident with Hades rattled him. Now Orpheus only dresses in black, and people assume he’s – well, they’re right. He’s the creative director. And what about Zeus’ and Hades’ other brother, Poseidon? Chews a lot of Trident. He likes to stay on-brand. Zeus thought he’d be a good Chief Strategy Officer, but Poseidon was too wet behind the ears. Po kept saying every spot needed more horses. He took up kiteboarding. Sold his share of the firm. Got a houseboat. Fathered a one-eyed kid who drops notes in the suggestion box saying he wants mutton in the cafeteria. Instead of Poseidon, Zeus tapped Apollo to run the strategy team. Much better fit. This guy sees future trends like nobody’s business. People call him the oracle – not perfectly accurate, but not a bad nickname. Back in 2005, he saw an episode of The Apprentice and said, “That guy’s gonna be president.” The others laughed their asses off. But everyone remembered it a decade later. Apollo does well. Early riser. Great taste in Spotify playlists. More relatable to most of the team than his twin, Artemis. But Artemis brings in the bucks. Some think Apollo should be CEO and give Zeus some cushy Chair of the Board deal. But Apollo likes his setup. And remember the titans? The Olympus winning streak seems endless. They’ve made some questionable roster moves, but they still rank on Agency of the Year lists. Even when clients say want something fresh, the stories of Olympus remain as relevant as ever. David |
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